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Strange Ailments

by tim groseclose

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1.
The Seasonal Allergy Blues I was walking down the street when I started to sneeze It’s my allergies I said hey baby, you got hay fever this season’s a bust with all the pollen and dust I said hey baby, you got hay fever take some Claritin and get better again I was laying in bed with a stuffed up head I was all alone so I got on the phone I called the doctor up, I said doctor what… can i do to breathe? Can you please help me… with my allergies? He said sinus rinse is the best defense so rinse twice a day and that shit’ll go away I can’t sing this song my voice sounds wrong I got too much cheese in my naval cavities So for your sinus rinse you take a bottle like this add a little saline and then proceed to squeeze now you’re gonna get wet but when you’re done with that all the snot’ll be gone and you can sing this song
2.
3.
keep on truckin’ let’s go its time to go to the show drop some tabs of LSD and lets see what we can see we’ll hitchhike on the highway someone’s stopping, its our lucky day we all jump in, the driver’s hip But he says were in for a real bad trip he looks a lot like Jerry but he’s dressed up like a genie He wants to grant us each a wish asks us if we like a band called phissssshhhhh My girls in the back feeling car sick she rolls down the window and starts to yak it smells something awful on the driver’s side he says you should be grateful that I gave you a ride He starts driving a little too fast Can you slow down a bit I try to ask He says the car’s alignment is on a tilt So I just suck it up and put on my seatbelt we drive around awhile like were lost my girls’ passed out, her cookies tossed next thing I know, its evening that’s when i get a bad feeling I check the map app on my phone but my cell plan don’t let me roam The driver says, man just go with the flow and that’s when he turns on the radio he pulls over and starts to park says his name is thom yorke wants to confess a secret to me removes his face reveals circuitry I freak out - is this the end? relax he says I wanna be your friend I’m a robot you see from the future I nod and say ok, computer Can I upload you to my CPU? that way I can better get to know you But I just sit there I don’t know what to do that’s when he reaches out to touch me His fingers are full of electricity I feel the current going through my skin I’m pretty sure he’s made his way in that’s when I feel my consciousness slip he wasn’t kidding this is a real bad trip I stare up into his mechanical eye unable to move or even ask why he just keeps probing inside my head And all I wanted to do was see the Grateful Dead Next thing I know, I’m awake Im on the side of the road doing a double take my girl is gone and so is the car no telling where they went or even how far I feel like I have a major hangover my hitchhiking days are certainly over so I start walking down the road a bit but I don’t get far before I have to sit Now I know what you’re thinking and what you’ll probably say It’s just the drugs that got me this way But that aint it, I know what went down And now I get a little nervous whenever machines are around
4.
Look at Jack go he’s on the playground he’s not gonna let no saggy diaper slow him down he’s gonna do everything the big kids do he’s gonna show them that he can do it too look at him climb look at him run he’s got a few scrapes and bruises but he’s having fun he likes to play rough just look at him move he don’t take no guff he’s got attitude he’s got a big brother his name is Milo he looks after him and shows him the ropes they play together being superheroes but even superheroes have to throw down some blows He runs up to two little girls one’s got pigtails the other’s got curls he says; “ you Mickey Mouse! You’re on fire!” It’s just a game he plays but don’t ask him why-a she says: “you’re mean. You’re being real rude!” But Jack’s not mean he’s just got a little attitude.
5.
6.
Thunder Rd. 05:55
Thunder Rd. I was in my cadillac on an existential journey Looking for a place I heard about in a song The place was called Thunder Road So there I was driving with the top down wind in my hair, looking at the map Looking for this place called Thunder Road And all I saw in front of me was an endless horizon Long story short, I was lost. Diving down Route 66 I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere So I pulled over to a gas station asked the owner where I was He kinda looked at me funny and said Where you going? I said I’m looking for a place in a song called Thunder Road The fella looked at me and said, isn’t that a Will Oldham song? Well, no actually, he did a cover of it. And in fact I kinda like that one better. But this here song was written by Bruce Springsteen, The Boss. I don’t have a boss. I’m an independent contractor. Own and perate this here gas station. Handed down from my daddy. Had it for some fifty some-odd years. Mostly truckers come through. The occasional tourist. And people who get lost, such as yourself. So, getting back to my predicament, any idea where this Thunder Road might be? The fella just looked at me and said, seeing as how we’re in a desert we don’t get much rain. We don’t get much thunder either. So there I was, lost. No way to get back home or get to Thunder Road. Where are you Thunder road? I hear you calling me... Thunder Road.
7.
Sonic Tooth 04:45
Sonic Tooth I had this really bad toothache so I went to see the dentist he looked at it and said that the metal fillings in my teeth can sometimes act like an antennae and pick up certain frequencies he gave me some painkillers and sent me on my way there was nothing he could do I got a sonic tooth vibrating in the root I hear a frequency I think it’s talking to me So there I was lying in bed hearing this voice inside my head it was speaking strange poetry like the kind you hear from the new york art scene I couldn’t shake it or sleep so I took a walk ended up down at this club where a band was playing loud feedback and super-sounding riffs I stood there listening for a while grooving on the music its sonic waves of distortion penetrating my bones the singer’s voice, inside my head inside my tooth the whole band was there Lee Renaldo, Steve Shelley, Thurston Moore, and Kim Gordon she looked down at me and said, here’s a quarter… go put it in a washing machine
8.
An Ode To Kim Gordon Been listening to a lot of Sonic Youth Love that band, They totally rock. If I sing like this and sound like Kim Gordon - does that mean I’m a girl? I think she’s cool. She totally rocks. I wish I could be in a band with her and then we could have babies together and I could be Thurston Moore the 2nd. That would be awesome. But i don’t think Kim Gordon would go for it. She propbably thinks I’m just some sort of perv without an original idea in my body. Just been listening to too much Sonic Youth I guess. Just doing the copycat thing. Oh well. This songs for you Kim. Kim Gordon, a super hot chick who rocks so hard. Just thinkin of you...
9.
Hey Jimi, where you going with that bug spray in your hand? Gonna kill me a fly buzzing around in the sky. Somebody left the door open And now we got some flies inside Gonna kill me a fly buzzing around in the sky. Saw my old lady swatting at the air with her other hand So I got some bug repellant comes in an aerosol can Gonna kill that fly, gonna make him die With that bug spray in my hand
10.

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released October 31, 2016

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tim groseclose Los Angeles, California

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